As some may know, today is the greatest day in the history of the world. Today commemorates the founding of a superior nation – one whose cunning, strength, faith, and arrogance would lead it to success in everything. Our food tastes better, our nerds are nerdier, and our wrestlers are gayer. But we’re also the world’s most modest nation, and that, I think, is why we’re so beloved.
So let’s not forget to honor those who have died on the battlefields to make us better than everyone, and let’s also pay homage to the puny weakling nations we protect. They adore us, and we make their lives better. Here’s to another 230 years of sheltering the world from tyranny, by conquering one nation at a time.