america, the beautiful

America needs more rigorous, fanatical, unadulterated patriotism in order to succeed in the global war on terror. This can be accomplished in several ways:

  1. Children need to be forced to recite the pledge (along with the “under God” part), one at a time, in front of the class every morning.
  2. In all schools, every Friday should be “American flag day,” where students must carry a United States flag no smaller than 3 feet wide, all day.
  3. Illegal immigrants should be ostracized and verbally abused. Physical abuse should be reserved so we don’t look intolerant.
  4. All restaurants should be required to serve apple pie for dessert for free. French toast should be outlawed, despite its scrumptious taste.
  5. All ethnic foods should be banned, including Peking duck, tacos, tempura, and pizza. These should be replaced on menus with a large picture of Uncle Sam.
  6. Every institution’s mascot should be Uncle Sam, and they all have to be actual buff old men in costume. Uncle Sam should senilely tell stories about the founding of the nation and how George Washington single-handedly skinned 500 Indians.
  7. All references to other nations should be removed from literature. All school assignments, such as research papers and reports, should be about the founding of America (see rule #8).
  8. America was founded by Uncle Sam (brother of Uncle Tom) in 1776 when he was miraculously born to a 60-year-old virgin. He emerged from the womb as a fully-clothed 70-year-old man and instantly used his magical powers to round up the native inhabitants, peacefully, onto reservations.
  9. All males should be required to serve no less than 20 years in the military, beginning at age 15. Education must be completed by this time or the child is banished to the north, to the fabled land of “Can-ada.”
  10. Any criticism of the nation or its government should be punishable by death. Death should be administered by a stampede of horses (or other large mammal).
  11. All immigrants seeking legal residence in the nation should have to renounce any happiness they had in their former land and pledge allegiance to the United States flag for twenty days. In the event that the person is incapable of speaking English or refuses to pledge allegiance, they should be deported and/or executed.
  12. In order to ensure that America’s gene pool remains competitive, tests should be administered prior to pregnancy. The sick, ignorant, weak, slow, ugly, and just plain untalented people should not be permitted to reproduce. In the event that such reproduction does happen, the child should be banished.
  13. Instead of greeting each other with “Hello,” the new required greeting should be, “How have you helped your splendid nation this day?” If there is no legitimate reply, the addressee should be instantly reported to the authorities, who should, at their discretion, banish and/or execute him.
  14. There should be no gay marriage, or homosexuality at all, because it’s tearing apart the moral fibers on which our nation was founded. And it’s gay.
  15. Baseball should be the required playground activity of all children. Girls may be allowed not to play if they instead knit American flags while humming the national anthem.

That should be sufficient for a nice start. If the nation can adopt these statutes, we’ll be well on our way to defeating tyranny in the world.

8 thoughts on “america, the beautiful

  1. i hope there is something in there about killing all the homosexuals

    i didn’t read it but gosh darn i can’t fucking stand butt-fucking homosexuals

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