i can make up studies too!

drunkonphonewithkabob.jpgOK, so a study conducted by the University of Utah suggests that driving while using a cellphone is more dangerous than driving drunk (aka “while intoxicated,” “under the influence,” etc.). This is BS for several reasons. First of all, it was an inaccurate test. Now I’m not going to read all about their “techniques” or “procedures,” or pay close attention to the “data” collected (I’ve always been opposed to numbers), but simply by having these guys perform the experiment in a driving simulator rather than on a road is going to tip them off a bit and lead to some error. I don’t know about you, but I think I’d drive a bit differently in a video game than in real life (GTA-style). And if I somehow mis-skimmed and they were indeed driving on a closed-course, screw you – I don’t have time to read.

Secondly, what kind of moron doesn’t know how to drive while using a cellphone? A woman, and/or an Asian. I’m willing to bet that at least half of their subjects fit that description. It simply is not that difficult to focus mainly on the road and somewhat on the phone – unless you’re spending all your brain power thinking about your next hair appointment or rice dish.

And finally, who on Earth is going to believe this? This would suggest that a walking man on a cellphone is equally as likely to walk into a cart that’s shoved in front of him as is a stumbling drunkard. It would suggest that someone on the phone would begin slurring his speech if forced to navigate his way down a sidewalk. As cool as that would be to see, it’s just stupid.

Oh, but I forgot my biggest tool of dismissal. The University of Utah? WTF?? Since when did we listen to anything out of Utah? The last good idea to come out of there died with Brigham Young and his 50 wives.

(image: scott diedrick)

6 thoughts on “i can make up studies too!

  1. good article. no, really…

    also: is england gonna make some surprising comeback from their ELIMINATION to win the cup? im curious. my money’s on germany.

  2. If you look carefully, you’ll notice that I never once said that England would win the World Cup. Stop putting words in my mouth.

    PS: Penalty kicks are gay, Portugal’s goalie was ridiculous, and England needs far, far more practice on PKs.

  3. Oh, well, England didn’t deserve to lose until they got to the penalty kicks. They had several good chances, even playing a man down.

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