so cute, it’s scary

baby.JPGBabies are freaky. They stare at you with those little features and expressive eyes, but you aren’t quite sure what they’re trying to express. Then they point and laugh, and you know you can’t get angry because they’re babies and they have no perception of proper conduct, but at the same time you get really self-conscious and think that the baby sees something that everyone else wants to laugh at but are too refined to do so.

If I had a baby, I’d make sure it was always wearing some amusing outfit, so that it would look more like a monkey and less like an evil creature plotting my demise.

(image: jennifer somebody)

5 thoughts on “so cute, it’s scary

  1. an excerpt from The Alphabet of Manliness: Hot Sauce
    The Baby.
    My next door neighbor is a bitch. She has a stupid son who keeps coming back home no matter how many times I jump out of the bushes to scare him, and she keeps feeding him veggie burgers. I’ve never seen her wear shoes, and I’m not even sure she owns a pair. She has a Jerry Garcia poster in her bedroom, so like I said, a bitch. When I found out tha tshe was pregnan with another child, I wasn’t goign to let another one of her sons go to waste, so I decided to do her a favor by putting some hair on the kid’s chest.
    After she gave birth, she brought her new son over to show off one day, and that’s when I offered to hold him. She was delighted that I had apparently warmed up to kids, so she handed me her son, still feeding on his bottle. When she wasn’t looking, I pooped open his bottle cap and filled it full of chorizo. The baby seemed like he was loving it at first, but suddenly he started crying, so I did what i always do when babies cry: I put him in the garbage can. His mom started yelling and screaming , then she tried to punch me, so I stepped to the side and she accidentally tripped and fell down four flights of stairs, and then she accidentally got peed on.

  2. if only maddox was bad ass enough to actually do something like that, rather than merely write about it.

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