mind your p(irate)’s and q(uickie)’s

Notice: If you are male and have passed puberty, follow these steps.

Step 1: Obtain a 6’th grade reading level at your nearest Walmart.(dirk)
Step 2: Visit The Best Page in the Universe(pops) in order to familiarize yourself with Maddox and his work, if you haven’t already done so.
Step 3: Purchase The Alphabet of Manliness(pops), read it, and you will subsequently become more of a man.

aom_cover_main.jpg
Since you have made it this far down, I will assume you’ve completed the checklist and now understand how the overlying title relates with the subject of this post.
If you cheated and didn’t follow the steps, that’s dishonest and therefore manly of you – good job.
If you are at all interested, here’s a crappy review
The book uses the 26 letters of our alphabet each as a chapter. Each chapter’s subject begins with the letter of… you get the point. For example, the first chapter is entitled “A is for A**-Kicking”. Chapter “A” swiftly bring’s the reader into the mindset of a sexist, egotistical Man.
Here’s a sample:
THE C*CK PUNCH
There are two main procedures for transferring one’s fist to the c*ck. The first method is the crescent punch, which is especially handy with missionaries who can’t take a hint, people who jog in place while waiting for the light to turn green, and self-important clerks who ask, “what can I do for you?” Of course, if you answer the suble sexual proposition, the clerk will always seem confused because it’s a mantra that’s often chanted unintentionally, almost like it’s a desperate last attempt at being a comedian, or anything else that doesn’t so closely resemble the mundane hell of life in a convenience store, thus warrenting a slug to the clerk’s pecker.
Chapter “B” is for boners.
Chapter “C” is for Copping a feel(my personal favorite so far).
Another sample:
THE BREAST
A woman’s chest is the holy grail of flesh grapplers. No target is more saught-after, and yet, no target is more daunting. The path to the chest grabbing is a perilous one that has sent many brazen men crashing down in defeat, humiliation and occasionally jail time. Copping a feel on a breast is difficult for two reasons: 1. Its location on the body is front and center, below the woman’s face, in direct line of sight, and 2. A woman’s breast is very sensitive to touch — so much so that women can be induced into orgasm by merely rubbing against them in an elevator; happens all the time.
Now imagine over 200 pages of this pure manly genius. Brilliant.
So, all of you men out there, go purchase The Alphabet to support Maddox and his lifestyle.
…[Y]ou’re probably wondering why I am publishing a book now? SImple: money. I want as much money as possible. I want to go to exclusive Hollywood parties where I’ll feel in place using the word ‘amazing’ as a noun. I want some serious ‘f*ck you’ money. I want to be so rich that instead of having my henchmen kill people, I can do it myself in broad daylight in front of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, while I download music illegally from the Internet…
The other question you’re probably wondering is ‘What does Maddox know about manliness?’ To answer your question, I would like to refer you to the hair on my knuckles. And if that weren’t enough, I’d like to show you the hair on my back. I didn’t wear a shirt to work for an entire month one time and nobody noticed.
P.S. – I tried real hard, scott. But this post had to have a little prof*nity.

4 thoughts on “mind your p(irate)’s and q(uickie)’s

  1. I can’t believe misogynistic pigs like Maddox still exist in this world! I mean did you see his list of illustrators? Only two of them are female. Only two! Surely this man hates women… so much that he hired the bare minimum as required by international book-writing law.

    And the acknowledgements section? Pitiful. Other than listing a woman as the most important person in the book-writing process, he hardly lists any other women at all (like maybe 6 at most–pathetic). This man truly hates women, and everything he said in this book should be taken literally and not tongue-in-cheek, because I take all books with men in tunics punching gorillas in the face on the cover seriously.

    Great review, keep it up!

  2. Haha, this is excellent. I’ll let you redo the formatting yourself (you should be able to edit it) to make the quotes look better. For a first entry though, I’m genuinely impressed. Only a hint at profanity and only somewhat offensive. Because as we all know, women have no more right to anything other than the kitchen and the nursery. Keep ’em in line!

    And welcome to you, commenter, whether or not I know you.

  3. i pulled a crescent punch on a co-worker yesterday.
    She and I both got a good laugh.

    I guess it wasn’t so much of a crescent punch as a prime example of the “ovarian delight, which isn’t a delight so much as a jab to the ovaries.”

  4. hahaha

    Austin, I only let Walt post. If you’d be willing to post some non-profane and interesting things, register on the site, IM me and I’ll grant you some power.

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