What better way to celebrate Independence Day than for an American to become the best in the world at yet another endeavor? Earlier today, Joey Chestnut – yes, the Joey Chestnut – finally beat the six-time champion, Takeru Kobayashi, in the competitive eating of hot dogs. Joey ate an impressive 66 hot dogs in only 12 minutes, while Kobayashi ate a mere 63. Granted, Kobayashi was playing through pain; he had injured his jaw and apparently blew some chunks late in the competition.
There’s no reason to make fun of fat people this time. No, this is a glorious occasion. Finally, not quite 62 years since our last major victory over Japan, Americans have something to be proud of. At long last, we can commemorate our freedom by giving reference to our unparalleled ability to consume hot dogs.
But we’re not just limited to greasy, miscellaneous meats – Americans also do their explosions big. So, like the fake Apu says, “Celebrate the independence of your country by blowing up a small part of it.” Don’t know why I threw this little paragraph in here? I just thought that quote was fitting. It didn’t need to apply to gorging.