For those of us who have had their long-term memories obliterated by hours of television, it may be difficult to recall that today marks the birth of a giant. On this day two whole years ago, Compu-Global Hyper Meganet was hoisted from its squalor into the loving, burly arms of success. Let’s take a moment to review the most exciting events which transpired in the past year:
- The over-hyped ManBoyChildGuy III was released to little fanfare after many delays. Despite its lukewarm reception by the general public, all familiar with the ManBoyChildGuy series agreed that it was easily the second-best ManBoyChildGuy game to ever be released.
- A close encounter with an unfortunate reptile provided much to the scientific community. Animal lovers everywhere were outraged that such care was not always given to laboratory test subjects.
- A nature gallery was established for those individuals who are confined to dimly-lit computer terminals.
- The Mailman came back with a vengeance to release a series of side-splitting new comics, along with some games and videos. The world rejoiced.
- Tards Productions raised the bar for in-game video sequences with its series devoted to the Tard Squad in Battlefield 2. George Clooney said of the videos, “It’s sh*t like this that makes me wonder why I even try.” Tards Productions considered that a compliment and retorted, “Up yours, Batman!”
- The debate over abortion was settled conclusively; no one cared.
Of course, much more took place over the last year than was documented in the annals (or anuses) of CGHM. Fortunately, it mostly had to do with Britney Spears not wearing underwear or Democrats hating Republicans and can therefore be the subject of the turning of a blind eye.
Remember to continue checking CGHM every hour, because it’s quite possible that one day, you could die. And it’d be a shame if you had to go without knowing what was last written here.