It’s a Catch – 22, either you lose or you lose

First and foremost, I won’t presume to know all there is to know about relationships. I’m young. I have clocked in on relationships; however, pushing in over a years worth of what everyone seems to be looking for, which is love. So what is love? Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness.” So why is it that happiness, within the clasps of love, is often so hard to capture? This year’s spring break didn’t bring me any sand, sun, or fun. No, this spring the person I, Andrew Elder, loved, broke up with me. This is indubitably one of the hardest times I’ve ever gone through. Some of you may know of the complexity of my previous relationship, but that’s just the tip of the ‘burg. My relationship had some serious issues that needed to be resolved. Yes, so much of what was wrong was my fault. But don’t you dare think that any problem a relationship has is any kind of measure of the bond between two people. I would have done anything for this girl, and I wouldn’t dare ever hurt her. We had been up to high points, and down in low points. Around the middle my Spring break, we had hit a low point. Things were said from both sides that put a mutual hurt on us. She told me she didn’t want to see me anymore. I stopped sleeping. We talked about separation. We agreed it might be best to cut paths. Still no sleep, I know something’s wrong. What’s wrong is you can’t give up a love like that. If it’s true, you won’t find it anywhere else, and that’s a fact. Nietzsche acknowledges this in saying, “What is done out of love, always takes place beyond good and evil. So after not sleeping for around 2 days, I finish working at the warehouse Friday night and learn that my person is out at a bar drinking. That’s fine; she deserves to have a good time, because she works hard all day as well. I wanted to call her and tell her how I felt, but she wouldn’t pick up her phone. I called and called, only to be told “I’ll call you back later”. Friday night, and I’m sitting at home waiting for my phone to ring. I start calling back. She turns her phone off. I acquire no sleep. I pack my bags in the middle of the night and drive to see her at around 7 in the morning. She has turned her phone back on, but will not answer. Once I get into her room, I find that she is not alone. There is another guy in there with her, who she has attempted to hide. I’m ready to fight. She claims that he is her friend’s boyfriend, who stayed the night. My blood pressure is through the roof, but things cool off. I go unpack my stuff in my room. I’m not okay. I go up to her work (where she said she was going to be). She’s not there. I go back to her room to bring her a dress I picked up for her over break. I shed tears. While I’m sitting outside, I hear her having sex with this other person. I sink to my knees. I’m not the best Christian, but I pray just about every night for this girl. I pray that she and I will keep on being happy almost every night. I believe myself to be blessed. I’ve got some great friends and family, but at this hour I question God’s very existence. Imagine a person you’ve shared a year and a half with, so beautiful, so perfect, in a bedroom, ten feet away, having sex with someone she’s known at most for 2 weeks. My life seems to be a Catch-22, either I lose or I lose. Life isn’t easy, and I’m not looking for any sympathy. The love I give seems to be meaningless. So what is it that I’m supposed to be doing in this life? Go to class everyday? Pass tests? These things are meaningless, not love. I’m not advocating anyone to stop working hard in school, I still am, but if you have someone you would give an arm and leg for, make sure they know it, and don’t throw it away.

10 thoughts on “It’s a Catch – 22, either you lose or you lose

  1. Andrew…that’s an incredible story, and although it must seem trite and inconsequential, I have felt pain very similar to that. Having gone through such a similar experience, I wish I had some sage wisdom to impart that would alleviate the immense pain, but I find myself suspiciously lacking in the wisdom department far too often.

    All I have is this: things can seem real which really are not. Take love, for instance. I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love, but I know it felt like I was, and I know it’s not easy losing someone you think you loved (especially losing her in such a way). What got me through it was a belief that God has a plan for my life which involves a very specific person, and after exhausting previous relationships, it became clear that I had not yet met that girl. Oh I prayed too, of course, but the fact is that if you’re trying to take someone you aren’t meant to be with, no amount of effort can change her into someone you are meant to be with.

    “There are other fish in the sea,” “time heals all wounds,” etc. etc.

    In the meantime, find “Sideshow Tornado” from Bob Schneider’s “Underneath the Onion Trees” CD and wait for your pain to fade away. Because as much as I didn’t believe anyone who used to tell me that, it really does. Life really will go on, and you’ll find someone else. It may never be the same, but it probably isn’t supposed to be.

  2. As surely any person who has loved and lost would upon reading that story: I was moved. Whereas most people never give up on love, because it’s simply too deeply ingrained into them. I, with unwanted help, was forced to give up love. It was only upon being able to give up everything and live with nothing that I finally found the basis of my beliefs and what I feel is a better outlook on life.

    I thought that my previous girlfriend was going to be the one. I KNEW at that time that I was going to marry her and go through life with her. Long story short (mostly to save face, and not so much mine as hers because it’s far too much to talk about): much drama, we agreed to be apart indefinitely. I was crushed. So crushed, I was beyond the point of wanting to fight, crushed deeply enough to just stop wanting to breathe. “All’s fair in love and war.” And I forgave her.

    Since then, I have decided to be single. We all tend to our wounds differently, and I do so more differently than most. The past year I have spent reforming my idea of love, and (seeing as how your story bears a resemblance to mine) perhaps I can lend a few ideas for you to mull over.

    – Only the strong-willed can keep their focus on one thing and strive their entire lives for this one thing. However, there should be nothing held against those who are fickle, because this is simply illustrates free will. No person will believe the same thoughts from the time they are born until the time they die. Love, sadly, tends to follow the same pattern. Love is an emotion. It is subject to change in some people. Yet, I still believe true love may fade, but never disappears.

    – You care. This won’t always make it easy, but no good deed goes unrewarded. The nice guys do finish last. We start first, and get a nice head start, but we finish last. We learn temperance, patience, and more about ourselves. We may take a while to find the one who cares about us as you as you for her, but when you find her, she will have been out there waiting for you. Nice girls are going to finish with the nice guys.

    – Times change. And with it, the people we know change. Some we grow away from, and others remain close. Cherish those who stay, and keep those who must go in your thoughts. Who knows who that person will become in the future.

    – Love is not an exception; Love is expected. Hang around a girl long enough, and you will be unable to avoid finding something admirable about her. Just as no person can be perfect, no one can be opposite thereof. Thus, I have adopted the belief that Love, as special of an item as it is, should be commonplace. Although, admitting to someone that you love them for reasons they won’t understand can be a bad idea mainly because it leads to confusion, maintaining a benevolent sense of love towards everyone leads to the feeling that there is always someone else. And there is. Always will be.

    – True happiness is not other people. As clearly stated in the adage “Hell is other people”, we are handed the fact that relationships are at very least a chore to maintain. Love is no exception. As good and warm you feel to recall the feeling of her head rested on your shoulder or the way your heart races when she reaches for your hand, it’s temporal. If we aren’t careful, we become obsessed with this feeling. Especially after losing it. This is why I believe that the only true happiness comes from within. The things that make you smile whenever no one is around, will always be there. Will always make you happy. This is why we take trivial tests. We don’t do it to make grades, we do it so that we can continue the path to take our lives where we want them to be. If you’re not moving forward, your future consists only of that which has happened before.

    – In passing, we look back, and can only find the good. While allowing us to shun grudges, don’t let yourself become overtaken by these good memories. We must believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. We are not the masters of our fates, but we are the only deciding factor when it comes to our attitude.

    I don’t think I can offer advice that will make the pain go away any faster, or say anything that will make you feel better in this situation. It takes time. If nothing else, you will be more mature and stronger after this. Just make sure you never let her catch you without a huge shit-eating grin on your face. Make her know that you’re well on the way to getting over her 😉

    I really hope you feel better as soon as possible. Never good to know anyone is feeling down.

  3. Bitches ain’t shit.
    you may not feel like going to class and you may not feel like playing games but until you find a bitch that is the shit, there’s no fucking point to wasting your time with her besides getting your rocks off. I mean seriously, if a hoe so trashy that she’ll fuck with your head for 12 months and then sleep with someone else then she’s a hoe and thats fo sho. I’m drunk, but if you take one thing from this… you need to move on and understand that there are other girls that are capable of greater things. Hoes is no place for a mighty warrior.

  4. Scott recommends Bob Schneider. I recommend Juvenile. Quoth Juvenile:

    “If I even fuck with a bitch,
    She going to know
    Not to conversate with niggers,
    And to open my door.

    “My bidness is my bidness;
    It ain’t to be heard.
    My niggas is my niggas,
    So you don’t say a word.”

    He has much more to offer than just that. Especially the outro to that song. The outro alone made me twice the man I was before after I had indoctrinated the beliefs contained therein.

  5. Read this the other day:

    ‘Ewas me Norf, me Souf, me East and West,
    Me working week and me Sund’y rest,
    Me noon, me midnight, me talk, me song;
    I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

    W. H. Auden

  6. First of all, coop you asshole! (and yes i know who you are 😉

    Second, Let me just tell you from going through a similar experience (similar meaning the first person I ever loved and I breaking up in our first year of college) that you will get over this. You can hear a million people say that to you and I know it sounds really stupid because you cant imagine getting over it right now but you will. I did, but it can take a while.

    And Lastly, You seem like a really nice guy and if you are going to put 100 percent into a relationship the other person has to as well. I know that you feel like you wont find someone else but it looks like you have a lot to offer someone, so you surely will. Most importantly don’t get down on yourself.

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