noble aspirations think one of the highest stations in life to which a man can aspire is that of the “crazy uncle.” Anyone who is fortunate enough to have a crazy uncle knows the joy he can bring, and those who do not have a crazy uncle miss out on a fundamental experience in life.

The crazy uncle is charged with many duties; not the least of these is an utterly lackadaisical view of the world. His brothers and sisters are hesitant to bring their children near him, for fear he’ll corrupt them with the crushing reality of life. Perhaps he’s held several jobs, or perhaps he’s never had one. Maybe he’s been married a few times, or maybe never. But regardless of the details, he’s world-worn and misanthropic.

One of the most noteworthy qualities of the crazy uncle is his frequent concoction of the zany scheme. These schemes may range from getting rich quick to getting back at the Man, who invariably is “keeping [the crazy uncle] down.” Ultimately, these plots fizzle out because the crazy uncle is too busy doing one of the following: drinking, chasing younger girls, or devising an even zanier scheme.

It’s important to note that although the crazy uncle may appear to be of low moral character, he is often misunderstood and his heart is usually in the right place. Even still, leaving one’s children with the crazy uncle for prolonged periods of time may result in the following being taught to the children:

  • The art of knife-throwing
  • Intricacies of bomb-making
  • How babies are made
  • Who really killed JFK

…And, to a lesser extent, the value of hydroponics.

I propose that if one can look around himself and determine that there is no one capable of becoming a crazy uncle for his relatives’ progeny, he should take upon himself the mantle of responsibility and the resulting malaise as his final act of philanthropy.

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