The thought occurred to me the other day that every time I go to a fast-food “restaurant” (and I use the term loosely), I’m actually paying them to kill me – slowly, of course, but they’re killing me nonetheless, with saturated fat and sodium and all kinds of sweet, sweet chemicals. But with more careful deliberation, I decided that that’s not entirely true, because I subsist off of fast food. If I didn’t eat tacos or burgers or greasy chili dogs, I just wouldn’t eat anything at all. This is true for several reasons.
I’d like to cook, but I never have any ingredients. It’s far too hard to decide ahead of time what kind of stuff I’m going to feel like eating a week or so away. Even making a simple sandwich can be a chore if there’s no bread or meat handy. I have flour and sugar, but they’re hard to meld into a cohesive meal. Without being able to whip up a meal on a whim, that means I’m going to have to rely on someone else to feed me.
And no one has anything healthy to offer (that’s easy to acquire and actually tastes good). Wraps and salads bore me, and Subway – the only decent semi-fast food joint – is often staffed by new workers who easily mistake spicy mustard for honey mustard (and there’s definitely a difference). Plus, it’s expensive. Not just Subway, but most of the less-fattening choices have higher costs. Wendy’s is trying to get there, but it’s worse than Subway.
The only real option I’m left with is to grow my own food. Oh, I’ve tried it. Soil pH and consistency, pests and pesticides, inadequate sunlight and water – it’s actually more difficult than buying the stuff at the store. Scarecrows are fun to set up, but they don’t really do much to boost your final output.
So what is a man to do? It appears that the best option is to simply eat the delicious and deadly food from the fast-food vendors, and then expend dozens of calories screaming one’s lungs out and banging one’s fists on the desk in response to a poorly-balanced computer game. As of right now, it’s paying off, but if something happens…blame that damn chihuahua.