our chance to see cars driving

I haven’t been able to find much to complain about NASCAR, or car racing in general, in the past, but I finally came up with something. Sure it’s a beautiful form of entertainment, what with the cars whizzing around a track hundreds of times, sometimes passing each other, sometimes following each other. Sure the drivers and their crews are stellar athletes, capable of outwitting even the shrewdest mind and overpowering even the brawniest arm. But one thing vexes me about this sport of kings: it’s using all my gasoline.

Petroleum, if you will. Fuel. A vehicular sustenance by any other name would smell, and taste, as sweet. NASCAR vehicles roll along at a reasonable 4 to 6 miles per gallon, so I can’t really complain about their efficiency. It’s simply quantity that’s frustrating. If the loyal fanbase in the U.S. alone would allow the racing circuit to die down a little, thousands of gallons of oil could be saved, not to mention the deleterious ecological impacts of a race (ha, global warming!).

It would be a difficult undertaking, but letting go of NASCAR would inevitably lower gas prices, lower carbon emissions, save the ozone, cause ocean level recession, stabilize the economy, and reduce road rage. And it would open up Sunday afternoon television spots for actual quality programming.

Or we could just keep watching cars drive in a circle really, really fast. Yeah, let’s do that.

I probably won’t get another chance to mention it, so let me just say that horse jockeys really disturb me. Just as Austin Powers is afraid of carny folk because they have small hands, the miniscule proportions of the average jockey “just plain don’t seem right,” to use the vernacular. I’m sure they’re normal people and not evil elves as they are depicted on a particular episode of The Simpsons, but still…

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