this is no towelie adventure

(c) comedy central, from wikipediaI thought teens were bad in my day; now I see things like this and it just makes me sick. Basically, the headline says it all: “Texas teens admit stealing child’s skull, using it to smoke weed.” I suppose it becomes the responsibility of our society to now find somewhere to place the blame for such an atrocious incident.

To be fair, the first sentence of this article was largely facetious. Just as we learned from A Good Man Is Hard to Find, some things never change. The world will always have its share of thoughtless, halfway-inhuman sleazebags. But why? What makes someone decide it’s reasonable to dig up the body of an 11 year old who was buried in 1921 in order to rip off the jaw, wrap it in electrical tape, and turn it into a bong?

There are several things to consider. First of all, if marijuana were legalized, this situation would almost certainly have been avoided. Surely these kids could have found a bong for sale in any corner drugstore for a low price. But everyone knows that legalizing marijuana would lead to disastrous consequences, so we won’t blame lawmakers on this one.

We could blame the parents instead. If they had kept a closer eye on their children and had explained the consequences of smoking reefer, the kids would probably still want to do it. But the parents would be ready and could beat the snot out of them if they did, which could potentially deter future grave robbing. Still, that would require a lot of work, and parents are already tired after spending long days in office cubicles, so let’s give them their down time.

So there are only two groups of people left to shoulder the blame. Either it’s the fault of the graveyard caretakers for not putting in razor wire-lined fences and ferocious guard dogs, or it’s the fault of the teenagers themselves for making what is (hopefully) the most stupid decision of their lives. I, for one, blame the kids, but I won’t be surprised when the bulk of the reprimanding falls on the graveyard staff. The least they should have done was to curse every corpse (via black magic curse or otherwise), covering themselves in the case of such foreseeable desecration.

How do we fix this problem with the youth of America? That, my friends, is a problem for another day. Today, we simply place blame and lock those kids away.

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