Living somewhat in “the country” limits the choices of Internet service providers, but one great choice is BellSouth FastAccess DSL. It offers numerous advantages over dial-up, making it great for (and I quote from BellSouth’s website) “frequent web surfing, e-mailing, and online shopping…” Some of its awe-inspiring features include BellSouth Pop-Up Catcher and parental controls, and heavily unoptimized PC software. But that’s not all your monthly bill gets you – it also gets you access to a sentient entity known as The DSL Service.
One of its more frequently used features is one that goes largely unadvertised: its ability to automatically disconnect you from the Internet at the most appropriate times. Those times are chosen by The DSL Service itself, and may or may not include sunny days, afternoons, rainy days, thunderstorms, tornadoes, odd-numbered calendar days, business days, weekends, holidays, Yom Kippur, and days when Shia LaBeouf regrets getting up out of bed. Even better is the fact that this is scalable; you need not be completely disconnected. The DSL Service will decide when you need a bit of a kick-back on your Internet usage and will allow web pages to load only partially or not at all, giving you a nice break from your stressful surfing so that you can catch your breath and familiarize yourself with the F5 key.
The DSL Service knows what’s in your best interest, and it will prevent you from being harmed by viruses and spam the only way it knows how (besides its bloated software) – forced disconnections. It will also save you money in litigation fees, preventing piracy by slowing both download and upload speeds to a crawl at its discretion. The DSL Service can even protect your health; its sloth-paced throughput all but obliterates the possibility of online gaming, keeping blood pressure at a minimum and forcing you away from your $2000 computer or gaming console/HD TV. Lastly, The DSL Service comes with a relationship “engager,” sending former Internet users out into the world to personally interact with others.
For those without The DSL Service, serious consideration should be given to making the switch from more reliable, antiquated cable or high-speed DSL providers, or even FiOS. There really is nothing like thinking you needed to visit Bob’s Online Jerky World only to be promptly corrected by a being that sees the whole picture.