The turkey is a noble bird, its girth belying its adaptability. Turkeys have been shown to understand English, as long as it is spoken fluently. Turkeys can be made to drag small carts, fertilize lawns, dispose of household pests, and find lost car keys. They can fly as high as the boundary between the troposphere and stratosphere. Turkeys can subsist on oxygen, carbon dioxide, or mustard gas – whichever is more plentiful. Their feet are capable of turning doorknobs, and they can do simple algebra if provided with adequate scratch paper. Finally, the turkey is a bird with no natural predators; only sentient robots, errant lasers, and man are known to destroy the creatures on a regular basis.
If you only remember one thing about turkeys, it’s that they were invented by Benjamin Franklin in a basement in Baltimore, during an ice storm. And they taste delicious.