who cares what happens, as long as it happens

http://www.soccer-training-info.com/soccer_players_with_tattoos.asp
clint dempsey tattoo (source)

I just realized that my hiatus was showing, so I suppose now would be as good a time as any to make World Cup predictions. If only such predictions weren’t completely impossible to make with any hint of certainty. Today, a team – and nation – all but assured of their impending victory over the host nation were left stunned, and the two “best” teams in the group could not score a single goal. Yes, Mexico’s 1-1 draw with South Africa was quite surprising, and France’s 0-0 outing with Uruguay was wholly uninspiring. Tomorrow, the real fun begins, with the biggest match being the USA executing their upset of merry old England.

Since these prognostications are all in good fun, I’m going to go group by group and make up outrageous outcomes, so that I may look back and see just how far off I was. The best foreknowledge I have at my disposal is Pele’s recognition of Brazil and Spain as the best two teams, which therefore guarantees that neither team will be taking home the cup.

Group A

Uruguay takes first, with France taking second. Mexico and South Africa eliminated.

Group B

Argentina takes first, with South Korea and Greece tied for second; Greece advances on goal differential. South Korea and Nigeria eliminated.

Group C

England takes first, with USA second. Algeria and Slovenia eliminated.

Group D

Germany first, Ghana second. Australia and Serbia eliminated.

Group E

Holland wins it, and Denmark follows them. Japan and Cameroon go home.

Group F

Italy advances, and Slovakia edges out Paraguay. The latter leaves, as does New Zealand.

Group G

Brazil, as expected, take first, followed by a surprising Ivory Coast. Portugal and North Korea are disappointed.

Group H

Spain takes it, while Chile is content with second. Switzerland and Honduras lose out.

Now that I’ve gotten all those wrong and out of the way, let’s move on, where it gets really confusing.¬†Uruguay advances against Greece, and England knocks off Ghana. Then England beats Uruguay to enter the semifinals. Meanwhile, Holland makes quick work of Slovakia and Brazil similarly disposes of Chile. Brazil just does enough to get past Holland and enter the semis against England.

On the other hand, Argentina has trouble with France and the French somehow overcome. The United States manage a huge win against Germany but lose to the French in the quarterfinals on some terrible refereeing (and questionable defending). So the French are in the semifinals, again. Italy beats Denmark, Spain beats the Ivory Coast, and then Spain beats Italy. So it’s the French versus the Spanish to get into the final.

As unexciting as it is, Brazil beats England and Spain beats France, and the world stops watching because no one cares about a Brazil-Spain World Cup final. Earth explodes, but not before Clint Dempsey makes a rap about the U.S. defeat.

8 thoughts on “who cares what happens, as long as it happens

  1. That’s a pretty solid bit of predicting there. And I like the German upset too. It’s not too far off from the bracket I made.

    And you know what? F the French. They shouldn’t even be here. Handballin’ cheat-asses.

    The Koreans south of the DMZ are giving Greece the business right now.

  2. Jakii, your photo is on the way.

    That South Korean victory throws a wrench in my Greece prediction; Greece looked plain awful. I’m not sure France beats Argentina either, but whichever team it is will send the U.S. packing.

  3. It’s not really that far off. Group A will have a different second place team, but B could be right, C remains to be seen, D will probably be right, E may have a different second place, F is wide open, G is right, and H…well, who would’ve predicted Spain would lose? I did have Chile in second though. Regardless, it’s so tough to tell how these teams will perform on this stage, and there are always surprises.

    Big comeback for the U.S. today, after conceding their usual early goal, and not stopping there. Amazing.

  4. Interesting the way the first round has gone. Lots of big disappointments. I would have never guessed Italy and Spain would be eliminated first round. Nor that they would have both come in last place in their groups.

  5. Spain could actually still win their group…or be eliminated. We’ll know tomorrow. Of all the big teams, though, Spain, Italy, France, and England have all been disappointing. Only Germany and Argentina have looked really strong, although Brazil has gotten the results they’ve needed.

    I’m excited about the U.S. vs. Ghana rematch. We’ve got this.

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