To my future self,
I apologize for not being more productive these past three weeks. Yes, out of 416 non-working hours, I’ve spent 168 hours sleeping…and 90 playing Skyrim. I’ve been in this shameful position before, but it would appear I’ve learned little from my past indiscretions. However, before you judge me too harshly and go back to your workaholic millionaire lifestyle, let me explain why I’ve sunk so much time into this fictional universe. My defense begins with an anecdote from the game itself.
As I roamed the frozen countryside, a dragon came swooping down to destroy me. I tried many different strategies, but I could not defeat it – I was clearly outmatched. After succumbing to his frosty breath numerous times, I decided to run for it. The dragon gave chase, and as I sprinted through the hills I attracted the attention of a pair of bears, and then a pack of wolves. All of the beasts were hungrily pursuing me when I finally made it into the camp of a giant and his mammoth companions. The predators lost interest in me and it became a frenzied battle as bear, wolf, giant, mammoth, and dragon collided. From safety, I witnessed the dragon defeat the wolves and bears only to fall beneath the might of the mammoths and their keeper.
How does this tale help my cause? Maybe it doesn’t – maybe I need more sleep. But I will say this: the game is relentless in its desire to offer more to do. Despite my duration of play, I still have to discover two more cities, and solve dozens of problems, and stop a civil war, and figure out why the dragons are returning. When I realized I could make my wife chop wood for me, then make her carry the wood to the store where I could sell it for a profit, there was no longer any question: this game has it all.
So I hope you’ll forgive me for the time I’ve spent bettering my wood elf character rather than my real person, but take comfort in this: in reality I could never be this good at wielding a two-handed battleaxe, or picking a man’s pocket, for that matter. I’ll just make this time up to you when I’m far more virile and able-bodied than other retired elders. If that doesn’t happen, consider it for the better; I would’ve just found some other way to waste the time.