I know. The regulars will hate it - at least initially. But the new, lovely CGHM Home Page is actually a great idea. Let's allow a friendly Q and A to tell us why.

Q: What's the point?

A: First and foremost, it's a celebration of the 10th anniversary of CGHM Networks. Yes, something needed to happen. Many things don't survive ten years, especially not in the technology realm. Founded in February 2000, CGHM actually predates Facebook (2004) and Wikipedia (2001), even if it's not quite as successful as those Internet behemoths. A nice visual home page is a great birthday present.

Q: Yeah, but what does it accomplish?

A: One could argue that information was more accessible before this change. I would argue that this actually improves access to what CGHM now has to offer. The truth is that it's been years since CGHM was all about the individual websites and not focused on CGHM itself, namely the articles. This home page will highlight the different sections of the site and give more exposure to things that would go overlooked if only the most recent article was up there.

Just type in something to search for and prepare to be wowed. Or follow one of the big links on the left. Or wait for a recent article that sounds interesting to appear at the bottom.

Q: But why is this really happening?

A: It's no conspiracy. But there's some truth to the fact that I haven't been able to keep up the pace of the articles, and probably won't be able to in the future, so this will serve as a way of directing people to what already is here, rather than having them sit and wait for what is to come.

Those answers should suffice for most people, but if you're really curious, there are more after the break.

Q: What's so special about this thing?

A: Take a look at the original CGHM page (still viewable at Angelfire). Although handwritten in HTML, it used a template and "borrowed" tips from other sites. It's pretty laughable by today's standards.

Now look at the new page. It's simple, and beautiful. Unlike the original home page, it was all written by hand (with the exception of the specific blocks of Google Search and RSS feed code, although those were extensively hand-modified). It's fast-loading (the page itself is only about 6 KB, exclusive of the background image and some CSS calls). It was my first attempt at writing for the modern web, using proper alignment and formatting and not utilizing outdated commands. As a result, it's fully valid XHTML 1.0 - something no other hand-made CGHM page could come close to claiming.

Q: What are the limitations of the new page?

A: It's not exactly formatted for cell phones. It displays fine on Android devices and, I would imagine, most Apple products, but browsers that do not display scroll bars may have trouble navigating the in-page search results. I may be able to figure out a way around this.

Javascript is also required to get the most out of it, and it doesn't look as beautiful on screens with very low resolutions.

The "WoW" (Words of Wisdom) portion of CGHM was never intended to be a permanent solution. If you recall, CGHM Networks itself began as a hub for all the CGHM affiliate sites, most of which were small and/or uninteresting. The CGHM Home Page would, at that point, display news from the various sites, and was only updated once every few months. There was really nothing to do there.

At least this way there's something to see. And, if you really just cannot stand it, just set your bookmarks to www.cghm.org/wow or wow.cghm.org instead of simply cghm.org. Or you can use an RSS reader (like Google reader) to see the article and/or comment feeds.

You can all feel free to make Bing your default search provider now, if you so desire. The egregious error has been corrected.

This is just a follow-up to a previous discussion of Bing's main shortcoming: its inability to make cghm.org the number one result in a search for "cghm." Well, Microsoft must have read the site because cghm.org is now the number one search result (fitting for a top-level domain). And just in time to celebrate, no less.

While on the topic of our site for a final time, I temporarily regained access to the forum (don't bother - I closed it again) and sifted through all the crap that was piled in there...thousands of posts, actually, which was more impressive now than I realized at the time. And I found this gem, the thought of which brings a tear to my harvest-loving eye:

• It has kept Tards software silent. Many people would consider this to be beneficial for mankind. The best way to assure yourself that no new terrible programming has been unleashed on the world is to check here frequently, cautiously peeking through your fingers.
• It has spawned a reading rainbow. The Magner's Farm and Stock Book and Complete Instructor series is finally done after more than a year in production. All key points of the book have now been made available in digital form on the literature page. Just the other day I used my knowledge of farm law to argue down a disheveled vagrant I found claiming residence on my land. Also, diddlers beware.
• It got rid of some old stuff. Sometimes it's not what you add - it's what you take away. Several old entries that consisted of nothing more than me complaining about ex-girlfriends and recanting sappy song lyrics have been removed to ensure that it's just posts like these that get in your way from reading fascinating articles.
• It's Axminster. MacGyver's outwitting of the moustached villain is nearly a parody of itself.
• It has made you think...a lot.

So...it hasn't done much, but not without good reason. Still, a new Battlefield update (and game), new Pete Yorn album, and a new Zune are always good food for discussion. Something must be going right, because more and more people are stopping by to get confused, offended, and/or bored (see accompanying figure above). The site has changed themes a few times and the nature gallery is updated randomly, so don't expect stagnation. Just expect the best.

For those curious, the picture in the header was taken by me while passing through Texas before a storm. This was at the conclusion of my visit with nature and shortly preceded the fitting end. A certain someone helped me choose which image to use and the font/placement for the site's name on the header, so I owe her some credit.

Hopefully the literature page and nature gallery will be more easily accessible. Be sure to check those out if you haven't yet bothered.

Don't forget that if you don't like the site's theme, you can just view (or subscribe to) the site's RSS feed so you get the recent content without all of the hassle of looking at something you hate.

I could just talk about Ted Kennedy, or Bret Favre, or wildfires, or health care reform...or even Michael Jackson. But those things are dull, recycled, and over-emphasized. There are plenty of intriguing topics left unexamined, like penguin cross-breeding, quantum mechanics, dental impression materials, and feudal France. None of those are worthy of my time, however.

So I'll just put up a picture instead, and hope to one day be struck by an arrow from the bow of the Creativity Cupid.

see more Fail Blog

The actual site is not turned up in the top findings. Individual articles are, but the results are hit or miss (for instance, searching "cghm axminster" does not find one of our most popular articles). Currently, the most recent article is on the first page of Bing's results, and so is HMWorld, but that's not good enough. Even searching for "cghm.org" does not work...unless quotation marks are included. Then the main page will turn up - it's even #1, as it should be - but, again, it's unacceptable to have to be so specific. Even the Center for Genetics in Health and Medicine cracks the first page of the "cghm" results.

There are no such problems when using Google, the de facto standard in web crawling. As much as I would like to use Bing regularly, until they give Compu-Global Hyper Meganet the respect it deserves, I simply cannot.

Actually, there are several things you can do while your Internet is down. Some suggestions:

• Create a sand sculpture.

• Reorganize your network hub (no Internet required).

• Build a fire pit.

• Attend a concert (more on this later).

• Dethrone a dictator (I have yet to partake in this activity).

The best thing you can do when you have no Internet is to not panic; the world continues to exist, even though you cannot see it. Rest assured more updates are coming as I re-assimilate myself into the web.

Enter "Close Range," an excellent FPS game with an imaginative story and some hardcore action. Those unfamiliar with the game or its premise should watch the news report on the game's website, courtesy of The Onion. From The Onion's report:

The plot follows A.J., a man with a mysterious past who must explode hundreds of thousands of human faces on a quest to save his kidnapped brother.

It really would have been a perfect game to include in a catalog already featuring such hits as the "ManBoyChildGuy" trilogy and "Moo Cow vs. Chickety DooDah: The Farm Chronicles." For those who care less about lamenting Tards Inc.'s lack of initiative and more about shooting people in the head, "Close Range" is playable on the game's website.

I am speaking, in particular, of an article I wrote last year entitled "Brainectomy." It was a perfectly harmless, good-natured exposition delineating the steps in the removal of a human brain. It was somewhat framed in the context of Hannibal Lecter's malevolent cranial tampering featured during the climax of the film "Hannibal." Still, it was intended for educational purposes only and derived from my coincident (legal, scientific) dissection of the human anatomy.

When it became visible to me that someone had searched for "brain procedure used in hanninbal [sic]" and found my article, I became a bit concerned. The phrasing of that query was unusually specific, but I am aware that no real conclusion can be drawn. It could merely have been someone trying to win a bet with his intoxicated friend who claimed that such an operation as undertaken by Dr. Lecter could not be successfully performed. Or it could simply be a movie viewer with a grotesque curiosity. Still, the world is not short of men whose malevolence rival Hannibal's, and the possibility remains that the article was researched for some nefarious preparation. If that is the case, I wholeheartedly and preemptively apologize to anyone who suffers a brain removal as a result.

As I do not actually suspect any harm to come from the post, I am leaving it as-is, but I will be more thoughtful about the ramifications of my future works.

I have also updated the nature gallery to include a few new photos (well, they're old, but new to the gallery), and I removed nearly all of the low-quality cell phone photos. Additionally, all photos now have 1024x768 resolution, which I know is not exactly "high-res," but strikes an appropriate balance.

Now to the real issue: I found this old post, dated November 23rd, 2005, where all I said was "the date" and "April 24th, 2009." I have no recollection of why I wrote this. My supposition is that this either refers to some intended manboychildguy follow-up (although it doesn't seem to work for manboychildguy 3) or some relationship issue. A third choice is that I thought I was being clever by making everyone anticipate a date on which nothing exceptional was going to occur. The first person who can correctly determine what it means (preferably within three weeks) earns a shiny new quarter.