The main cause for people overvaluing relationships is that there’s nothing good on TV.
It’s good to recycle. That’s why whenever I eat at a fast food place, I always return any partially-used napkins to the dispensers. The same goes for toilet paper.
A good way to become relaxed when speaking in public is to imagine your audience in their underwear. A good way to become disgusted when speaking in public is to imagine the older members of your audience in the nude, their withered, decrepit genitals taunting you into near madness.
Whenever I see a traffic accident with lights flashing and sirens blaring, I take a moment, collect my thoughts, and thank God that there aren’t any idle cops around to give me a speeding ticket.
Confusing “analogy” with “analology” can have disastrous consequences.
I bet the caveman who discovered the echo used it to play some pretty good pranks on his cave-friends.
A true ogre’s delight comes not from clubbing people and eating their bones, but simply from the thrill of the chase.
It’s not whether you win or lose, but whether the other guy feels like he lost. That’s why even if you lose, you should shake hands with the guy and tell him, “Nice try! Maybe you’ll get me next time.” Sometimes this isn’t sufficient though, and you may need to steal something (or someone) he loves until he realizes that he lost.
Everyone has someone he just can’t stand. In my case, it was Abdul. Abdul would keep bugging me about going to exercise with him until finally I snapped and told him I’d been getting my exercise by sneaking into someone’s fenced property every morning and stealing his newspaper, breaking his garden gnomes, and spray-painting ethnic slurs on his walls. Apparently Abdul jumped to some conclusions and thought that since stuff like that had been happening to him, I was to blame. I’m confident it won’t hold up in court though. It’s all purely circumstantial.
I bet there’s nothing more frustrating than losing a toe, then having it reattached, then losing it again, then having it reattached again, and then finally having someone tell you you’re making the whole thing up. Someone’s toe was in that jar.