Category Archives: words of wisdom

works like a charm

A good way to become relaxed when speaking in public is to imagine your audience in their underwear. A good way to become disgusted when speaking in public is to imagine the older members of your audience in the nude, their withered, decrepit genitals taunting you into near madness.


It’s not whether you win or lose, but whether the other guy feels like he lost. That’s why even if you lose, you should shake hands with the guy and tell him, “Nice try! Maybe you’ll get me next time.” Sometimes this isn’t sufficient though, and you may need to steal something (or someone) he loves until he realizes that he lost.

that’s one way to do it…

Everyone has someone he just can’t stand. In my case, it was Abdul. Abdul would keep bugging me about going to exercise with him until finally I snapped and told him I’d been getting my exercise by sneaking into someone’s fenced property every morning and stealing his newspaper, breaking his garden gnomes, and spray-painting ethnic slurs on his walls. Apparently Abdul jumped to some conclusions and thought that since stuff like that had been happening to him, I was to blame. I’m confident it won’t hold up in court though. It’s all purely circumstantial.