a boring spring break
Have you ever had a flyer shoved into the door of your apartment while you were sitting mere feet away, and had to resist the urge to shove it right back out? If I didn't fear the reprisal of the less-than-upstanding individuals who deliver door-based menus, I would have done it.
But apartment life isn't all bad. One unspoken perk is the indirect knowledge you can attain about the person who lived there before you - through their mail. Yes, simply noting the names of the senders and of the intended recipient can provide great insight into what your forerunner is currently up to. For instance, I one day started receiving a vast quantity of tacky mail from various ambulance-chasing lawyers in the area, all addressed to the former resident of my apartment. I can ascertain that he has inquired about legal services for one reason or another.
And I can also assume he hasn't gotten to take advantage of all the presumably fantastic credit card offers that have been coming his way. It's all right though, because I know his forwarding address.
theoretically speaking
If I had a company that made tech products with model numbers, I'd start out with a high number instead of a low one. Then, with each successive release, I'd count down until I reached 1, or possibly 0. By that time my product would be positively unbeatable, and people would know they were getting the best ever made.
Also, my indie rock band's name would be "Taking Terns," in a clever pun. It's a pun by definition, and it's clever because...well, perhaps it's not too clever. But who wouldn't want to go to the TT concert where they'll be debuting some songs from their new album, "First Flight"?
leopold stotch
There's something about tap dancing to clearly inappropriate lyrics in a vaudeville-like performance that's just somehow endearing at times. Or revolting, depending on your perception.
feeling uninspired
News agencies have it so easy. Their entire business model consists of observing the fascinating (or boring) undertakings of others and distributing them with the corporation's logo. Meanwhile, I sit here wracking my brain attempting to fabricate some clever or insightful premise for an article to draw in unsuspecting guests.
I could just talk about Ted Kennedy, or Bret Favre, or wildfires, or health care reform...or even Michael Jackson. But those things are dull, recycled, and over-emphasized. There are plenty of intriguing topics left unexamined, like penguin cross-breeding, quantum mechanics, dental impression materials, and feudal France. None of those are worthy of my time, however.
So I'll just put up a picture instead, and hope to one day be struck by an arrow from the bow of the Creativity Cupid.
see more Fail Blog
alien head tree
I think it's a sign. It's not nearly as evident as the Virgin Mary water stain Mac finds on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," but it's a sign of something. Perhaps I should charge admission?
I'm speaking of the alien head on our tree. At first I thought it looked like Jar Jar Binks, but then I looked up what Jar Jar Binks actually looked like. So then I remembered Mass Effect and its Salarian race, and it was a dead ringer for another "uncanny correlations."
There aren't many implications of this, except that with Mass Effect 2 coming out early next year, there could be some obsessed fans out there that would like to pet a tree for luck or something. If Billy Mays were still available, I could've gotten him to pitch it. Other than that, it's still a pretty intriguing tree. Here are a couple of more pictures:
What do you think it looks like?
how to cook humans
Don't be alarmed about anything missing from the site; it's by design.
So I get bored in the bathroom and read labels sometimes, and I couldn't help but notice that my toothpaste comes with a lot of instructions. There's the usual stuff about not eating it, but then there's this:
Products containing stannous fluoride may produce surface staining of the teeth
Oh, that doesn't sound good, especially since it's supposed to be a whitening toothpaste. But then I read a little further and realized there was more:
Adequate toothbrushing may prevent these stains which are not harmful or permanent and may be removed by your dentist
Now I feel like they got me all worked up for nothing. But they didn't even stop at that, because there was yet another line of text:
This [product name] is specially formulated to help prevent staining
Well why even mention the staining to begin with? It ends up feeling like they've yanked my chain around, and if I had stopped reading after the first sentence I probably would've chucked the tube out of the window. The only conclusion I can reach as to why they would create these three fear-mongering bullet points is that the tube had some extra space and they didn't think a textless area would look professional enough. Legit products are always fully-encapsulated by fine print, after all.
smorgasbord
Today, I received a letter with an official title after my name, and the opening line of "dear doctor." This was a very gratifying experience, but apparently no one has told these people about the numerous classes in which I am still enrolled, or the years of work remaining before I warrant such a salutation. It was at the same time delightful and crushing, forcing me to realize how much lies before me.
I also saw a little Mexican atop a remarkably precarious ladder, one stretched to three times its regular height (and surely beyond the limits of its safe operation). He was painting and there was another person at the base of the ladder moving the shaky contraption (in a helpful manner?) while the guy up top tried to get his feet on some slightly-protruding bricks. He almost fell.
On another note, I did make a feeble attempt to grab cghm.net before it became another steaming crap-pile of useless links (don't go there - it's not worth it). But, alas, someone beat me to it and at cghm.org we shall endure.
Lastly, I've been reflecting on possible ways to improve bathroom sanitation and convenience, and I've formulated an idea: a swarm of possibly lethal nanorobots. This would result in a clean buttocks, of course! Imagine: instead of using toilet paper, tiny machines identify which particles belong back there and which ones do not, and digest away any fecal residue, leaving the whole area silky smooth. I would pay big bucks for that, and I hope it's one of their first priorities when micromanufacturing hits the big-time.
Oh, and one more thing! The Braves did indeed acquire Derek Lowe, so all is not lost for the 2009 season...although they still don't have a chance of winning much of anything. Maybe if they add a power bat.
If only I had a Gayer quote to throw in here, I could use almost all the categories in this post.
a new year dawns
If I ever had the opportunity to create a computerized test for any subject, I would make the grading process unnecessarily stressful for the student. After the exam was completed, the screen would go blank for a few seconds, followed by an empty progress bar. The bar would fill up slowly as the computer found each correct answer, so that the more you got right, the more the bar would fill. Every now and then, it would pause for no reason, and then hopefully resume if you continued to get answers correct. When the computer was done checking each question, the screen would flash bright red if you only managed 69% or less, perhaps printing some demeaning slogan (but probably not, as the flashing monitor would be humiliation enough).
Alternatively, grading could be interactive, where tiny boxes would pop up on a blank screen for tenths of a second and if you clicked one, you'd get a tenth of a bonus point or something. People might complain that this wouldn't aid the learning process in any way, but they'd be wrong, because it would dramatically improve our perceptual abilities, cognition, and reflexes, and once again create an American workforce that could compete on a global scale. Or it would just cause more seizures, because those flashing colors would certainly be brightly-colored.
And no, I am not disappointed by having so much spare time on my hands.
filler for the holidays
The good thing about it being 70 degrees on Christmas Eve is that Santa won't have to wear that ridiculous parka, which is no doubt loaded with reindeer fur. Also, less reindeer dung will be needed to fuel the foot warmer of his sleigh.
Amazon has been giving away some free Christmas music for the last few weeks, if anyone still needs to get into the Christmas spirit. Alternatively, you could download this free David Byrne song, which - while not as good as "Like Humans Do" - is pretty terrible all the same. And it's from the album "Everything That Happens Will Happen Today," which is the exact opposite of a good quote I once heard from an Ogre, that "nothing ever happens today."
All right, go drink some eggnog or something. Just don't watch "The Santa Clause 2," because not even getting into the Christmas spirit is worth sitting through that.
when humor dies
This is the placeholder for CGHM's 2008 birthday post. Basically, I'd love to write about what transpired this year, but I'm too busy. You can see what happened in 2007 though - it's right here.
This filler picture will have to suffice for the time being.
