a boring spring break
Have you ever had a flyer shoved into the door of your apartment while you were sitting mere feet away, and had to resist the urge to shove it right back out? If I didn't fear the reprisal of the less-than-upstanding individuals who deliver door-based menus, I would have done it.
But apartment life isn't all bad. One unspoken perk is the indirect knowledge you can attain about the person who lived there before you - through their mail. Yes, simply noting the names of the senders and of the intended recipient can provide great insight into what your forerunner is currently up to. For instance, I one day started receiving a vast quantity of tacky mail from various ambulance-chasing lawyers in the area, all addressed to the former resident of my apartment. I can ascertain that he has inquired about legal services for one reason or another.
And I can also assume he hasn't gotten to take advantage of all the presumably fantastic credit card offers that have been coming his way. It's all right though, because I know his forwarding address.
theoretically speaking
If I had a company that made tech products with model numbers, I'd start out with a high number instead of a low one. Then, with each successive release, I'd count down until I reached 1, or possibly 0. By that time my product would be positively unbeatable, and people would know they were getting the best ever made.
Also, my indie rock band's name would be "Taking Terns," in a clever pun. It's a pun by definition, and it's clever because...well, perhaps it's not too clever. But who wouldn't want to go to the TT concert where they'll be debuting some songs from their new album, "First Flight"?
have you ever…
Have you ever looked up from the text message you were composing in time to see a young woman attempting to traverse four lanes of traffic, during rush hour...whilst pushing her baby in a stroller? I guess I haven't either, because I can only assume that the baby was not her own; surely no one would be so careless with her own child.
Have you ever considered that short people should be ashamed to live in houses with very high ceilings? Such added space is simply unnecessary and is wasteful. I'm not short, but I already feel a bit guilty when walking through a door frame when I know that the lintel could easily be a foot lower and clear my head with room to spare.
Have you ever stopped studying for a test knowing that you didn't know enough, and then taken the test only to confirm that you didn't know enough? These experiences just serve to show how unsuccessfully notes are comprehended when they are placed by the bed at night, rather than studied.
Have you ever parked in the spot marked "Reserved - Towing Enforced" for weeks at a time, fully knowing that it's not reserved for you?
Have you ever visited Bob Schneider's website? His new album, Lovely Creatures, is streaming there for free.
Have you ever realized that Nick Drake was saying "it's really too hard for to fly," and that the song isn't about a fly in the rain at all? It changes the whole meaning of the song.
Have you ever added a sloth picture to your website that brought in more viewers than anything you ever spent hours rambling about?
Have you ever grown tired of asking, "Have you ever..."?
feeling uninspired
News agencies have it so easy. Their entire business model consists of observing the fascinating (or boring) undertakings of others and distributing them with the corporation's logo. Meanwhile, I sit here wracking my brain attempting to fabricate some clever or insightful premise for an article to draw in unsuspecting guests.
I could just talk about Ted Kennedy, or Bret Favre, or wildfires, or health care reform...or even Michael Jackson. But those things are dull, recycled, and over-emphasized. There are plenty of intriguing topics left unexamined, like penguin cross-breeding, quantum mechanics, dental impression materials, and feudal France. None of those are worthy of my time, however.
So I'll just put up a picture instead, and hope to one day be struck by an arrow from the bow of the Creativity Cupid.
see more Fail Blog
not naggers
I'm back in the city, reacquainted with the sirens, the solitary (and sedentary) apartment life, and the suck. Fortunately, I have a limited-time free preview of cable, so I got to watch Wheel of Fortune tonight.
During the obligatory, dull, and often awkward biographical segment of the contestants, a woman introduced herself as being "married to [my] husband." I'll forgive that slip-o'-the-tongue, because there was no doubt that she was nervous. But what followed was far worse for her pride.
I was feeling pretty good, having just solved the puzzle (the clue was something about a person), when a few short letters later, our favorite wife was ready to give it a go. I felt a bit dejected, but my spirits would be lifted when she offered up this brilliant answer:
"Award-winning children's book _____..."
...and that's where it got interesting. Most people should be able to guess the final word, especially when it looked like this:
a _ t _ _ r
But our woman - being the wife of her husband, after all - fluidly spat out the following:
"Award-winning children's book actor!"
Pat looked somewhat bewildered, and told her the bad news - she was incorrect. But the good news was that she had previously won a free spin, so she had the opportunity to take another guess. She opted to spin again instead, and I don't blame her.
Now let's think about what it would take to be a children's book actor, much less one who has honed his craft to such a degree that it has warranted at least one award. All right, that's enough thinking...it hurts the mind. Maybe we could just think about the number of letters in the word actor instead, as that might be easier.
Perhaps amazingly, I think she went on to win the game. It's a crazy world.
Oh yes, the answer was truly "author." "Award-winning children's book author"? Those devils who act out author the clues should be fired.
why woodpeckers peck
Have you ever wondered why woodpeckers peck? I had not, because I always assumed they were looking for bugs in the bark of the trees. Well it turns out I was wrong...woodpeckers peck solely to weaken the wooden structures so that they might one day collapse, creating new habitats for delicious edible creatures. Additionally, the falling trees have a chance of landing on the heads of unsuspecting loggers, thereby delaying the attack on the woodpecker's environment and temporarily preserving its coveted breeding grounds.
Think about it. One has to admit that the woodpecker is one of the most impressive peckers there is.
a new year dawns
If I ever had the opportunity to create a computerized test for any subject, I would make the grading process unnecessarily stressful for the student. After the exam was completed, the screen would go blank for a few seconds, followed by an empty progress bar. The bar would fill up slowly as the computer found each correct answer, so that the more you got right, the more the bar would fill. Every now and then, it would pause for no reason, and then hopefully resume if you continued to get answers correct. When the computer was done checking each question, the screen would flash bright red if you only managed 69% or less, perhaps printing some demeaning slogan (but probably not, as the flashing monitor would be humiliation enough).
Alternatively, grading could be interactive, where tiny boxes would pop up on a blank screen for tenths of a second and if you clicked one, you'd get a tenth of a bonus point or something. People might complain that this wouldn't aid the learning process in any way, but they'd be wrong, because it would dramatically improve our perceptual abilities, cognition, and reflexes, and once again create an American workforce that could compete on a global scale. Or it would just cause more seizures, because those flashing colors would certainly be brightly-colored.
And no, I am not disappointed by having so much spare time on my hands.
thoughts and reflections
Today on "How It's Made": giant metal vats, assembly lines, babies, and paper cups.
Just kidding. But more importantly, who would name his or her child "Jon Kyl"? Why take two perfectly reasonable first names, drop one letter from each, and then combine them to make such a pretentious title?
I'm a bit scatterbrained as I have recently undergone strenuous testing over nearly every anatomical feature of the human head and neck (who would've thought there could be so much contained in such a small space?). However, the examination marked the end of my experience with human corpses, which I'll consider a good thing. It was a great learning experience, but I won't miss it (or the smell) too much.
Next on the agenda: more class, then more studying, followed by more video games. "Working for the weekend" should probably be frowned upon, but should "learning for the weekend" be equally discouraged? Every approaching break looks more and more appetizing...
But isn't life beautiful?
fire down below
There's nothing quite like competing for a record which* no one knows exists. I recently ingested no less than ten "fire" hot sauce packets at Taco Bell...on just one taco. Those who witnessed this feat know how I did it - for every bite I took, I added one more packet of sauce until my final bite was absolutely dripping with fiery goodness. Some may balk at this accomplishment, but it's easily been my second-most impressive feat accomplished within the last year or so. Impeccable.
*Perhaps more interesting than the preceding paragraph is this sentence that I just found on Merriam-Webster's website when looking up when to use "which" (versus "that"):
Which - used as a function word to introduce a nonrestrictive relative clause and to modify a noun in that clause and to refer together with that noun to a word or word group in a preceding clause or to an entire preceding clause or sentence or longer unit of discourse
(Color added for emphasis.) For some reason, that "clarification" didn't help me in my decision between "which" and "that" - perhaps it was the six conjunctions and overall verboseness?